Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Broken

I have been trying to find the right words to express my deep sadness and concern with what occurred Saturday, July 13th, 2013.  On this night, six jurors decided that it was OK for a man named George Zimmerman to shoot and kill a 17 year old teenager named Trayvon Martin.

I like EVERYONE who's followed the case, don't really know what happened that fateful night in 2012.  The prosecution of the case doesn't really know, the defense doesn't really know, the jurors, the judge, the families of both Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman don't really know.  Two people know what truly happened that night, one died the other was just set free after the senseless tragedy.  I write this post because clearly there is a great deal of opinion on both sides of this issue.  Many say, justice was served, Zimmerman was proven innocent, lets move on.  To those individuals, I say, you are entitled to your thought process, but I wonder how much thought you truly put in it.

To those individuals I say, imagine if you can, your teenage son, walking home from the convenience store and somehow, doesn't make it back.  Imagine if you will, your teenage son didn't get shot at the convenience store, he didn't get caught up in a robbery gone wrong, he didn't get shot outside your townhouse community, he didn't get shot somewhere he wasn't even supposed to be.  Imagine if you will, your teenage son, got shot within your "safe" community because in essence, he was a young man, who simply "LOOKED" like he didn't belong.  I repeat, he "looked" like he didn't belong.

Now, I am not naive.  I too have been somewhere, noticed an individual and said to myself, hmm.... should I be concerned?  That is human nature, especially at night.  So I am not going to blame Mr. Zimmerman for trying to be a concerned citizen... if that is what he truly felt he was being.  I won't blame him for wondering, should this individual be in my community, especially since the community has had an issue or two in the past.  However, I do hold Mr. Zimmerman accountable for the actions he took in the name of being a so-called concerned citizen.  You see, I don't have an issue with him calling 911, that is what a concerned citizen does.  But what a concerned citizen DOES NOT do, is then dismiss the advice of 911 and decide, I will take matters into my own hands.  What a concerned citizen does not do is follow a so-called perpetrator to what, engage him?  What a concerned citizen DOES NOT do is decide, I am a hero like in the movies.... because when the UNTRAINED, concerned citizen takes matters into his own hands,... unlike the movie the Dark Knight, or Die Hard... .there is no director calling, scene cut.  When the bullet leaves the chamber, it's not a blank, and the recipient of blank shot does not get up and go back to his acting trailer.

When the concerned citizen takes matters into his own hands he shoots a 17 year old in the heart and kills him.  He kills a 17 year old who was actually, headed home, and heaven forbid, while heading home, he took his time because he was talking with friend on the phone.  Heaven forbid, a 17 year old, actually acted like a 17 year old.  People are saying the jurors did as they were instructed and we should leave it at that.  I would be fine with that except for one big thing.... even the jurors admitted, George Zimmerman went to far... I repeat, the jurors felt Zimmerman went to far (juror B37) which leads me to ask, then how is it that George Zimmerman was still found innocent?  How exactly does that work? You had the option of manslaughter if you didn't feel Zimmerman had every intention TO kill.  Maybe it's true, maybe things just got out of hand, the two fought and he fired his weapon, that still doesn't mean you are innocent.  A person is dead because of your actions and there needs to be a legal price paid for the life you took.

As a black woman, this touches home for me.  I have an older brother who I know for a fact has gotten that look from people.  I have an older brother who people wondered what's he up to, when all he was doing was walking to the car, leaving the grocery store taking a walk around his neighborhood while talking on the phone simply because, it was a nice night and he wanted to take a walk.  I would also love to think, that the stereotypes are as simple as black and white, but they aren't.

Allow me to digress from the topic to share this story.  When my brother was a senior in high school he and his friends somehow got my parents to host their Prom Night dinner.  My dad was an excellent cook and wanted to do something special for his only son.  So the plans were made, a menu was set, decorations purchased.  I was the hostess for the evening.  When the young celebratory teens arrived at our house for the dinner, as I was closing the door, the limo driver for the evening, who was black, came in.  He made a whole lot of assumptions on this particular night.  You see,  we lived in what is a nice part of town;  good schools, nice neighborhood, good place to grow up.  Nothing extravagant by any means, but nonetheless, he didn't believe, black people lived in this part of town.  So when he saw me answer the door, he ASSUMED, I worked there.  The assumptions continued, as he made his way into the kitchen, he saw my mom and dad working hard trying to get the dinner plates together.  Again, he assumed, they were the hired help.  He even at one point pressed my mom for a cup of coffee when she had some time.  His assumptions continued to the point where I guess he picked one of the guys in the group and decided this house, must have been his house, and said to him something like, it's really nice of your parents to host this party for you kids  (that young man's parents had come by to take pictures and help out).  Needless to say the limo driver was stunned when the kid told him, I don't live here, he does, pointing to my brother.  The limo driver found himself apologizing a couple of different ways because at one point he had the audacity to cop a bit of an attitude with my mom, for not moving fast enough to get him his cup of coffee  (my mom was raised in the south and knows all about hospitality... the driver did get his cup of coffee with a smile as well).

My point to this story is, when you make assumptions, like the saying goes, you make an ASS out of U and ME, tragically, for Trayvon Martin, an assumption by George Zimmerman, left that 17 year old dead.  I don't know Trayvon Martin, I don't know George Zimmerman, but I do know that intentionally or NOT, George Zimmerman did in fact kill Trayvon Martin, he shot him dead, and Trayvon Martin was not stealing, was not breaking and entering, was not performing a criminal act.  Trayvon Martin seemingly fought for himself, stood his ground and somehow in standing his ground, he was in the wrong, while the man with a gun was in the right.  It's not right.

Our legal system was put to the test and unfortunately, the legal system failed.  I appreciate that the system was allowed to work, but the system is broken and I would love to have a conversation on how to fix it.  My son is two years old, just two years old and my heart is so full of love for him, it nearly brings me tears every night when I kiss him goodnight.  For me to advance that love 15 years forward, I know it will only grow... I would be devastated if I lost my son, as I am certain Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin are devastated with the loss of their son.  What would only hurt more, is if there were no justice served in the loss of my son as has been the case here.  I applaud these two people, because in what must seem like the darkest of days, they have remained above the fray.  They have not lashed out, they have not spewed hatred, they have leaned on their faith and love of their child.  They have shown their heart.

Now, I recognize that George Zimmerman's life will never be the same again, he will likely deal with quite a bit of ugly moving forward but the one thing I truly hope he does, I truly hope he really looks within himself and truly asks himself, does he really feel his actions were righteous?  Does he truly believe he is an innocent man in the first hand death of this teen?  Only Mr. Zimmerman can speak to his own heart, he must face himself daily and I don't know how easy that will be for him.  I will pray for him as well, not because I am a great christian, but because I know it is the christian thing to do.  I am angry with Mr. Zimmerman, and I am angry with the system, but my anger won't help ANYTHING.  I must look within myself and pray for this man, his family along with Trayvon's family.  I must pray that after all of this, we might just be one step closer to ending these senseless, unnecessary and hurtful tragedies.

Dear God, please be with us all tonight, tomorrow and everyday after.  Please help us find our way to being better in every way.










Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Ahhhh Youth!

So it's tuesday morning and I have LOTS of errands to run with a toddler in tow.   As we are making our way towards the freeway, two young late teens or early 20-somethings decide to cross the street against on-coming traffic.  They don't start until I am literally into the intersection... I start honking my horn, they simply look at me, I continue to honk my horn and the young girl looks back at me as she's crossing and flips me off.  At that moment, I realized,  I have mellowed to a small degree.  You see, at that fateful moment, I was ready to stop the car and yank little miss attitude's pony tail.  She's flipping me off because I am trying to keep her from getting killed?!  I must admit to being impressed with myself, I didn't roll down my window and yell at her either, which was my other temptation.  Nope, I simply smiled muttered something to myself then looked back to see my precious son giggling at me just 'cuz!  Yup, just another day rolling through the always testy streets of Stamford!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day!

Ahhh Mother's Day!  To all my fabulous mommy friends... a happy day to you!  Allow me to share a true mother's day story to you.... starring.... the Phenomenal Agisi and me!  Well, my mother's day started with my fantastic son Agisi yelping with tears around 5:45 this morning.  Soon the yelping turned to coughing and sniffling.  The little mister is battling seasonal allergies like his momma!  Those of you grew up with me, know what  seasonal allergies are like for me.  Well after a half hour or so of coughing, the intensity of the cough increased dramatically, to the point where I knew we'd be headed somewhere!  But first, Alex said, let's steam him, I said ok... and off to the bathroom we went for a steam session.

It seemed to calm him down, calmed the cough got him relaxed.  But soon the coughing continued and then came the big push.... cough, cough, deep cough, upchuck!   Right after the upchuck, the brightness and joy returned to my munchkin.  Surely this is it then, surely we are done since the nasal drip finally forced him to release it all.  But nope, this was just the beginning.  The cough begins again, I pick him to turn him towards the sink and upchuck.... ALL OVER MY FACE!   Ohh, my sweet boy, nothing says love like a little vomit on your smacker.... I'm thankful my mouth was closed!  He is back to giggling and chatting again.  As happy as a little clam.  We still aren't done yet.  You see this coughing caused by nasal drip, upchuck continued till about 10 am.  He released oh, 6 or 7 different times and every time in between, you would never know that anything out of the ordinary was going on.

I finally called the pediatrician's emergency line, when he called me back, the decision was, Benadryl to tame the cough and keep fighting the allergies.  I obliged... he chucked five minutes after the Benadryl.  But eventually he did calm down and after watching five back-to-back episodes of Bubble Guppies, he fell off to sleep.  The nap lasted 2 whole hours, which was a relief, both for me and my husband but also our little guy.  Good sleep, no coughing.  When he awoke, our whole attitude was about keeping him calm so as not to stir up coughing and give him little sips of water so as not to over do anything and a bite of food here and there.  Again, if you didn't hear him coughing, you'd never know something was up.  No temperature, happily playing, until the coughing starts then he gets cuddly and wants you to end it.  But he seems to be eating and drinking nearly normal now, which makes me happy and also makes me realize, my son will survive me for at least another day or, is it that I will survive him?

I love you Agisi and you've certainly made this Mother's Day, THE MOST memorable yet!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Caught up in Wife Swap

So, I got my precious son down CRAZY EARLY this fine Thursday night, which allowed me veg out time unseen in oh, the 2 years since he's Blessed me with his presence in this world.  So how did I choose to use my veg out time.... I watched 'Wife Swap'.  I can count on one hand how many times I've watched this reality show, but was drawn in this night.  The two total opposite families were both a little scary to me.  One family was like living in a boot camp.  No love, no celebration of being a family of four, the two kids are basically emotionally stunted where mom and dad are concerned.  The other family, of course the extreme opposite.  Don't believe in school, so they "Unschool" their four children.  Now I have no clue what that means, what I do know, is their 10 or 11 year old daughter can't read, so that doesn't bode well for the "Unschooling" model in my opinion.

The "Unschool" parents don't believe in discipline and feel that no one has authority over the other, I mean no one.  They feel the parents have no right to instill rules, punishment, boundaries on children.  That "no child needs to be trained, ever".  I repeat, the 11 year old daughter can't read, and I am not exaggerating.  She said herself, I can't really read a book, "yet".

The "Boot camp" home has the young daughter, about 10, loves crafts, art, drawing.  All of her projects and ribbons, awards are stuffed in a storage box under her bed.  The kids don't have their friends over, their parents have no clue who their kids friends are.  They have a tight leash on them.  The son is 17 and basically feels he has no trust from his parents to make any decisions of his own.  Highly pushed to excel in school of course.

Now, I am all about education, but one thing I will always be thankful for when it came to my parents and school, they had one rule: Do your best, if that's a C, so be it, but if it's a C because you didn't do all you could including getting a tutor, than we've got a problem.  I cried the first time I got a C.  It was in advanced math.  I was the kid willing to sit in the front row unless there was a seating chart, I'd go to the teacher during breaks, lunch, enlist any help I could... but advanced math and I simply weren't going to get a long.  I got a C.  My mom asked me, did you do everything you could (she knew the answer because she and dad helped me get a tutor, talked to my teacher, they were in the know), I said yes, she said... so why are you crying?  What do you want for dinner tonight?  This is not how "boot camp" mom functions.  Berating I'm certain would be involved.

"Boot camp" mom and dad use the smoke alarm to wake their children.... A SMOKE ALARM.  How about going into your kids room, say good morning, time to get up and get going.  Open a curtain, head rub, maybe a kiss, but because they don't pop out of bed, you invoke the SMOKE ALARM.  Meanwhile, "Unschool" parents let their kids go to bed and get up whenever they see fit.  Heck, they don't go to school so what does it matter?  Did I mention, the second oldest CAN'T READ!  But they are all locked in the tech world, iPhone, iPads, whatever....  Yep, unschooling baby!  They aren't big on cleaning, the dog licks the plates that are clean and in the dishwasher.  But they don't use a smoke alarm to arouse anyone either.

I didn't have much of an issue with either mom's desire to install their personal rules when the time came except one... "Unschool" mom pulled the kids out of school, that should not be allowed, "Boot camp" mom forced the kids to go to school, don't like that either.  Now, I don't agree with this "Unschooling" stuff, but throwing kids into an environment, that they've never known like school, is not the way to go.  How about getting some books from the bookstore, ABC's and the like and try doing some teaching of your own rather than throwing these kids into a school like that.  Just my opinion of course.  "Boot camp" mom, HIGHLY disrespectful from the moment she arrived at the home, not so with "Unschool" mom.  "Unschool" mom, VERY respectful, and as expected, VERY sensitive to what is CLEARLY absent in the home, warmth and love.

One of the rules "Unschool" mom installed, daily hugs from dad to his kids.  His first response, if you need a hug, just ask for one.  Really, I don't understand why a child needs to ask a parent for loving affection.  I heard, I love you, every day of my life from my mom and dad, and got a hug every day of my life while I lived under their roof.  When my Dad passed in September, one of the reasons we were able to handle things a little better, is because we all knew the love in our home.  I didn't have to guess about my dad's feelings for me or ask him, he told me, I told him.  It's also why I miss him daily!

All families are different, do things different ways, have different ideas about how to raise their kids.  But I think when you need your child to ask you for a hug, you've got a problem.  When your kids almost look scared to give you a hug, you've got a problem.  When your response to a framed piece of artwork, OF YOUR CHILD, being placed on the wall is, "that's not staying there" (Boot camp Mom), you've got a problem.  When you 13 year old has no problem using curse words in your presence or in the presence of others and doesn't feel it necessary to be respectful of adults, you've got a problem.

Kids are a privilege.  They take work, effort, and tons of love.  That doesn't mean, no discipline, no chores, no reading, writing and arithmetic.  It means be a parent, be involved and BE RESPONSIBLE for the lives you brought (or adopted) onto this planet.  Freedom feels great, but boundaries are necessary for development in society.  Discipline is necessary for development in society.  While everyone isn't going to give your child a hug in their future, and they aren't going to be praised all the time.... those are things that should come with the territory at home.  Point out when mistakes are made, but celebrate greatness as well.  It's a balancing act.  I hope I do as well as my mom and dad, with my son!