Due to the actions of Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens, the issue of domestic violence has jumped back to the forefront of our consciousness. I didn't want to get into the conversation, but the more I have read, the more I have been led to write this post.
First, allow me to preface this with the fact that I have NO personal experience in this realm, but as a woman, for that matter a human being, it doesn't take personal experience to know right from wrong. A friend and former colleague erred in comments he made last week. He recognized those comments, faced them and took responsibility for them. He acknowledged how they did not at all represent his thoughts on domestic violence, and how the point he was trying to make, never needed the space to begin with. His apology was from the heart, the words were his own and this is the man I stand beside.
Unfortunately as people continue the discussion, I am hearing more comments that amount to the very mistake my friend owned up to. Provocation.
I read a comment on facebook from an individual who, like my friend is intelligent, well educated, well read and yet he still insisted that he would tell his daughters, "don't hit first". While I think I understand what he is attempting to say, his advice is oversimplified and quite frankly ignores the actual problem. 'Don't hit first' implies, you can keep the abuser from abusing by simply remaining calm, and non-inflammatory.... I would say ask Goldie Taylor about that. 'Don't hit first' implies that rationale will win out, ask Tracey Thurman about that. 'Don't hit first' in essence says, don't provoke the abuse and we ALL know that is simply wrong.
Goldie Taylor is an analytical contributor on many news networks, and this maelstrom forced her to open up her old wounds of abuse; wounds that left me in near tears. Goldie didn't hit first, she accidentally shrunk t-shirts in the wash. Goldie didn't hit first, she hit for protection and charges were filed against her by her abuser AFTER her abuser literally stabbed her in the back. Tracey didn't hit first, but she was beaten to within moments of her life.....the police, did nothing. In fact Tracey's story was so amazing, that she successfully sued the city of Torrington, Connecticut and it's police force, for infringement of civil rights. You see, the police at that time, 1983/84 didn't think domestic abuse was anything more than marital squabbles, and felt she was being over sensitive. Well, thank goodness for Tracey's "oversensitivity", she won her lawsuit and a law was put into place because of it, commonly referred to as the 'Family Violence Prevention and Response Act'.
'Don't hit first' is what you tell a child in a situation at school, where teachers, administrators and parents for that matter can get involved. 'Don't hit first' is what you tell young people with regards to avoiding getting into an old fashioned fight at school. 'Don't hit first', has no place in diminishing abuse from someone being victimized. The victim of abuse has to find the inner strength to stand alone and alive, rather than "live" in fear, abuse and quite possibly not breathing at all, easy for me to say.... I've never lived it. What the individual telling his daughters, 'Don't hit first' is saying, though he truly in his heart doesn't believe so, is.... 'don't provoke the abuse'.
Does this mean that only men can be violent in relationships....... not at all. In fact, for some men, it seems as if the abuse is psychologically worse, because, how do you explain being abused as a grown man by a 'woman' in our society? Some of you are snickering at the very thought..... shame on you, because it is just as real, cruel and painful! You see, we live in a society where you are only a man, IF you hit back, IF you knock her out, IF you make sure she/he understands, 'YOU' are a man. I say there is nothing manly about you at all if your show of force, is the only way you can express it. As a woman, like a man, if your form of communication is to hit , kick and verbally berate, you are no better.
A few people know what truly happened in that elevator in Atlantic City between Ray Rice and his now wife Janay Palmer. I have heard that she hit him and spit at him,..... I DO NOT excuse any of that, but it does not give a man the right to go ahead and punch her lights out. If these allegations are in fact true, than Ms. Palmer/Mrs. Rice, has her own abusive demons to deal with and neither of these individuals are healthy human beings mentally.
Bottom line, the only way to avoid an abusive relationship is to not be in one and even then, some individuals don't realize they are in one until it is too late. It is so easy to tell someone what they can do to avoid being abused, but unless you've been there... they are empty words....
