Due to the actions of Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens, the issue of domestic violence has jumped back to the forefront of our consciousness. I didn't want to get into the conversation, but the more I have read, the more I have been led to write this post.
First, allow me to preface this with the fact that I have NO personal experience in this realm, but as a woman, for that matter a human being, it doesn't take personal experience to know right from wrong. A friend and former colleague erred in comments he made last week. He recognized those comments, faced them and took responsibility for them. He acknowledged how they did not at all represent his thoughts on domestic violence, and how the point he was trying to make, never needed the space to begin with. His apology was from the heart, the words were his own and this is the man I stand beside.
Unfortunately as people continue the discussion, I am hearing more comments that amount to the very mistake my friend owned up to. Provocation.
I read a comment on facebook from an individual who, like my friend is intelligent, well educated, well read and yet he still insisted that he would tell his daughters, "don't hit first". While I think I understand what he is attempting to say, his advice is oversimplified and quite frankly ignores the actual problem. 'Don't hit first' implies, you can keep the abuser from abusing by simply remaining calm, and non-inflammatory.... I would say ask Goldie Taylor about that. 'Don't hit first' implies that rationale will win out, ask Tracey Thurman about that. 'Don't hit first' in essence says, don't provoke the abuse and we ALL know that is simply wrong.
Goldie Taylor is an analytical contributor on many news networks, and this maelstrom forced her to open up her old wounds of abuse; wounds that left me in near tears. Goldie didn't hit first, she accidentally shrunk t-shirts in the wash. Goldie didn't hit first, she hit for protection and charges were filed against her by her abuser AFTER her abuser literally stabbed her in the back. Tracey didn't hit first, but she was beaten to within moments of her life.....the police, did nothing. In fact Tracey's story was so amazing, that she successfully sued the city of Torrington, Connecticut and it's police force, for infringement of civil rights. You see, the police at that time, 1983/84 didn't think domestic abuse was anything more than marital squabbles, and felt she was being over sensitive. Well, thank goodness for Tracey's "oversensitivity", she won her lawsuit and a law was put into place because of it, commonly referred to as the 'Family Violence Prevention and Response Act'.
'Don't hit first' is what you tell a child in a situation at school, where teachers, administrators and parents for that matter can get involved. 'Don't hit first' is what you tell young people with regards to avoiding getting into an old fashioned fight at school. 'Don't hit first', has no place in diminishing abuse from someone being victimized. The victim of abuse has to find the inner strength to stand alone and alive, rather than "live" in fear, abuse and quite possibly not breathing at all, easy for me to say.... I've never lived it. What the individual telling his daughters, 'Don't hit first' is saying, though he truly in his heart doesn't believe so, is.... 'don't provoke the abuse'.
Does this mean that only men can be violent in relationships....... not at all. In fact, for some men, it seems as if the abuse is psychologically worse, because, how do you explain being abused as a grown man by a 'woman' in our society? Some of you are snickering at the very thought..... shame on you, because it is just as real, cruel and painful! You see, we live in a society where you are only a man, IF you hit back, IF you knock her out, IF you make sure she/he understands, 'YOU' are a man. I say there is nothing manly about you at all if your show of force, is the only way you can express it. As a woman, like a man, if your form of communication is to hit , kick and verbally berate, you are no better.
A few people know what truly happened in that elevator in Atlantic City between Ray Rice and his now wife Janay Palmer. I have heard that she hit him and spit at him,..... I DO NOT excuse any of that, but it does not give a man the right to go ahead and punch her lights out. If these allegations are in fact true, than Ms. Palmer/Mrs. Rice, has her own abusive demons to deal with and neither of these individuals are healthy human beings mentally.
Bottom line, the only way to avoid an abusive relationship is to not be in one and even then, some individuals don't realize they are in one until it is too late. It is so easy to tell someone what they can do to avoid being abused, but unless you've been there... they are empty words....
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Why?
Another senseless shooting.
Another necessary look into the person behind such a cowardice act.
Another moment for the media, my media, to miss the point.
My heart aches every time we hear of yet another atrocity carried out by an individual clearly in need of mental assistance. The mental health system failed him, that doesn't mean I take the blame off the perpetrator's shoulders. The young man who took the lives of innocents and hurt others at and around UCSB knew what he was doing but he also set off plenty of flashing red lights that could have stopped this from happening. Yes, we are looking into his mental state, we know that he had been in therapy since he was a young boy but why are we giving airtime to his manifesto. Why do we read excerpts and continue to play portions of his final you tube video.
You can tell the story of what this young man did and why he could have been stopped without giving him the very publicity he whole-heartedly sought after.
The focus needs to be on why he wasn't being paid closer attention to? How serious did the police take the warning when his mother called and asked that they look in on her son? What did she say to them? Did she direct them to his videos that led her to make the call in first place? How does someone leave a trail like his, not at all hidden and complete his awful mission? How does someone with mental health issues gain legal access to a gun.
My argument regarding gun control has been heard time and time again, for this I will only say, mental health HAS TO BE a huge variable in the ability to obtain weapons. YOU SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO have a mental status examination if nothing else.
Why has this country not learned anything? Why do we allow the same things to happen over and over and over again and scream about the constitution as if that makes everything ok? When did your mental stability or lack thereof begin to trump MY PERSONAL RIGHT TO LIVE! Now we are faced with mourning yet again and as usual, the media, my media is adding their sensational touches. I don't care about his novel of a manifesto, what I care about is all the MASSIVE clues he left ahead of time. I don't care about his last video, the very video that led his own mother to seek further help, unfortunately for her, it was too late.
I don't blame his family. I pray for them as well. For those who say, how dare you show grace to the ones who knew him best, I ask you to take a moment. Imagine it is your child who was shot or heaven forbid, killed during this massacre. Now imagine it's your child who perpetrated the act. My heart stopped twice. I can't imagine my world without my son, and I can't imagine a world where my son would be the one to cause such pain. It's a private hell that his family will battle with for the rest of their lives. They will ask themselves daily, what should I have done, what didn't I do, what more could I have done. Their's is a burden they will live with forever. I pray that they will use this tragedy and help shed a greater light on mental illness. I pray they will take it upon themselves to push for greater recognition of what mental illness can do, how it can move, how it can disguise itself, how and what families can do to keep the dialogue open within their own homes and with those around them. There is so much here that can and needs to be addressed, and I for one am tired of giving the perpetrators of ugly the very stage they seek.
Another necessary look into the person behind such a cowardice act.
Another moment for the media, my media, to miss the point.
My heart aches every time we hear of yet another atrocity carried out by an individual clearly in need of mental assistance. The mental health system failed him, that doesn't mean I take the blame off the perpetrator's shoulders. The young man who took the lives of innocents and hurt others at and around UCSB knew what he was doing but he also set off plenty of flashing red lights that could have stopped this from happening. Yes, we are looking into his mental state, we know that he had been in therapy since he was a young boy but why are we giving airtime to his manifesto. Why do we read excerpts and continue to play portions of his final you tube video.
You can tell the story of what this young man did and why he could have been stopped without giving him the very publicity he whole-heartedly sought after.
The focus needs to be on why he wasn't being paid closer attention to? How serious did the police take the warning when his mother called and asked that they look in on her son? What did she say to them? Did she direct them to his videos that led her to make the call in first place? How does someone leave a trail like his, not at all hidden and complete his awful mission? How does someone with mental health issues gain legal access to a gun.
My argument regarding gun control has been heard time and time again, for this I will only say, mental health HAS TO BE a huge variable in the ability to obtain weapons. YOU SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO have a mental status examination if nothing else.
Why has this country not learned anything? Why do we allow the same things to happen over and over and over again and scream about the constitution as if that makes everything ok? When did your mental stability or lack thereof begin to trump MY PERSONAL RIGHT TO LIVE! Now we are faced with mourning yet again and as usual, the media, my media is adding their sensational touches. I don't care about his novel of a manifesto, what I care about is all the MASSIVE clues he left ahead of time. I don't care about his last video, the very video that led his own mother to seek further help, unfortunately for her, it was too late.
I don't blame his family. I pray for them as well. For those who say, how dare you show grace to the ones who knew him best, I ask you to take a moment. Imagine it is your child who was shot or heaven forbid, killed during this massacre. Now imagine it's your child who perpetrated the act. My heart stopped twice. I can't imagine my world without my son, and I can't imagine a world where my son would be the one to cause such pain. It's a private hell that his family will battle with for the rest of their lives. They will ask themselves daily, what should I have done, what didn't I do, what more could I have done. Their's is a burden they will live with forever. I pray that they will use this tragedy and help shed a greater light on mental illness. I pray they will take it upon themselves to push for greater recognition of what mental illness can do, how it can move, how it can disguise itself, how and what families can do to keep the dialogue open within their own homes and with those around them. There is so much here that can and needs to be addressed, and I for one am tired of giving the perpetrators of ugly the very stage they seek.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
You have to start somewhere!
There has been an enormous outcry since the ugly remarks by Clippers Owner, Donald Sterling were released to the press. There has equally been an enormous celebration on behalf of NBA Commissioner Adam Silver for his swift action that goes beyond a slap on the hand in my humble opinion. I have partaken whole-heartedly in both the jeers and cheers described. I don't apologize for either of my reactions nor should anyone else.
I am well aware that Donald Sterling is not alone in his ignorance especially not as a member of professional team ownership. As a former colleague of mine, ESPN's Jemele Hill, pointed out, if you think he was the lone bandit in his thinking as owner of the Clippers these past 30 years.... you are indeed naive. You don't hold true to beliefs of that nature at the top of the food chain without it permeating and perpetuating into your organization and well beyond. That said, I also do not believe this is how ALL professional team owners feel.
I have been engaging in a back and forth with individuals who say Adam Silver's actions were nothing more than a PR move. That "the plantation is still safe". I get where this frustration comes from, but I say, you have to start somewhere. Adam Silver has been Commissioner for what, an hour (exaggeration of course) and he's made a major move. He has established himself as not status quo and has required his league to take a stand as well. A stand that if not unanimous could destroy the league all together. I have read of the past racial missteps by Mr. Sterling, I even heard individuals personally commenting about how Mr. Sterling was one of the last people on the planet they would ever want to play for, so his latest transgression was far from surprising. But until his transgressions reach a proportion of this magnitude not a whole lot can be done.
Now here's the other issue, another misdeed was done to make this misdeed standout, Ms. Stiviano will have to deal with her own situation with the release of an illegal recording, but I want to stick to one topic as not lose sight of the discussion. Back to Mr. Sterling.
Just because some people know of an ugliness, doesn't mean ALL people know of an ugliness and even when people in a position to act know of an ugliness, you still have to have a cause within your own ranks to do something about it. I don't know what Mr. Silver knew of Mr. Sterling prior to this incident. I don't know what Mr. Silver felt about Mr. Sterling prior to this incident, what I do know, is that PRIOR to this incident, Mr. Silver WAS NOT in a position to do what he did Tuesday, April 29, 2014.
Mr. Silver assumed his role as Commissioner on February 1, 2014... Less than three months ago if you are doing the math. Three months in, Mr. Silver issued a lifetime ban on a bigoted owner and put an ENORMOUS amount of pressure on his league to take a stand for justice. For now, Mr. Silver has at the very least caused the remaining NBA individuals of ignorant thinking to take cover. They will not speak as boldly and will toe the company line. Perhaps the next owner/owners of the Clippers will also do a little housekeeping of their own and clear the cupboards of Sterling thinking remains. Does this mean that others who share Mr. Sterling's beliefs will up and change their tune, of course not. The Civil Rights Acts weren't passed until 1964, that was some 288 years AFTER the constitution so don't expect everything to be fixed on tuesday. Racism will take hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years to be removed from our consciousness, but it has to start somewhere.
People thought the election and subsequent re-election of the nations FIRST black President meant race issues were solved; again, that belief is naive. This nation, this world has a long way to go, but every little effort that says racism is NOT OK, is a step in the right direction and those steps need to be recognized, celebrated and repeated. I am a proud black woman and I am proud of Mr. Adam Silver's denouncement of racism Tuesday, April 29, 2014.
I am well aware that Donald Sterling is not alone in his ignorance especially not as a member of professional team ownership. As a former colleague of mine, ESPN's Jemele Hill, pointed out, if you think he was the lone bandit in his thinking as owner of the Clippers these past 30 years.... you are indeed naive. You don't hold true to beliefs of that nature at the top of the food chain without it permeating and perpetuating into your organization and well beyond. That said, I also do not believe this is how ALL professional team owners feel.
I have been engaging in a back and forth with individuals who say Adam Silver's actions were nothing more than a PR move. That "the plantation is still safe". I get where this frustration comes from, but I say, you have to start somewhere. Adam Silver has been Commissioner for what, an hour (exaggeration of course) and he's made a major move. He has established himself as not status quo and has required his league to take a stand as well. A stand that if not unanimous could destroy the league all together. I have read of the past racial missteps by Mr. Sterling, I even heard individuals personally commenting about how Mr. Sterling was one of the last people on the planet they would ever want to play for, so his latest transgression was far from surprising. But until his transgressions reach a proportion of this magnitude not a whole lot can be done.
Now here's the other issue, another misdeed was done to make this misdeed standout, Ms. Stiviano will have to deal with her own situation with the release of an illegal recording, but I want to stick to one topic as not lose sight of the discussion. Back to Mr. Sterling.
Just because some people know of an ugliness, doesn't mean ALL people know of an ugliness and even when people in a position to act know of an ugliness, you still have to have a cause within your own ranks to do something about it. I don't know what Mr. Silver knew of Mr. Sterling prior to this incident. I don't know what Mr. Silver felt about Mr. Sterling prior to this incident, what I do know, is that PRIOR to this incident, Mr. Silver WAS NOT in a position to do what he did Tuesday, April 29, 2014.
Mr. Silver assumed his role as Commissioner on February 1, 2014... Less than three months ago if you are doing the math. Three months in, Mr. Silver issued a lifetime ban on a bigoted owner and put an ENORMOUS amount of pressure on his league to take a stand for justice. For now, Mr. Silver has at the very least caused the remaining NBA individuals of ignorant thinking to take cover. They will not speak as boldly and will toe the company line. Perhaps the next owner/owners of the Clippers will also do a little housekeeping of their own and clear the cupboards of Sterling thinking remains. Does this mean that others who share Mr. Sterling's beliefs will up and change their tune, of course not. The Civil Rights Acts weren't passed until 1964, that was some 288 years AFTER the constitution so don't expect everything to be fixed on tuesday. Racism will take hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years to be removed from our consciousness, but it has to start somewhere.
People thought the election and subsequent re-election of the nations FIRST black President meant race issues were solved; again, that belief is naive. This nation, this world has a long way to go, but every little effort that says racism is NOT OK, is a step in the right direction and those steps need to be recognized, celebrated and repeated. I am a proud black woman and I am proud of Mr. Adam Silver's denouncement of racism Tuesday, April 29, 2014.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Bless their hearts.
So I am scouring Yahoo! and come across a story about Mets second baseman Daniel Murphy. It seems there is a reason I don't necessarily partake in listening to some of the morning sports radio talk shows, if I had, then I likely would have heard the barrage of criticism Mr. Murphy has received because instead of being on the field for games 1 & 2 of the 162 GAME MLB SEASON, he chose to be home with his wife following the birth of their first born child.
I know what you are going to say.... the AUDACITY OF DANIEL MURPHY! How dare he take fatherhood to actually mean..... FATHERHOOD!
When I first read this story, I must admit, my blood started to boil. I felt like I was reading comments from the 1950's. But no, not my imagination at all. They were hard and true comments made April 2, 2014. Thing is, I thought maybe April 1st, was actually a day late, because surely, these were April Fool's Day cracks, right..... wrong. The words, "get your ass back to the team" c/o Craig Carton, "this is what makes our money" c/o Boomer Esiason, "I frankly don't get it" c/o Mike Francesa and one from a fun fan.... "I've never heard of something so ludicrous [paternity leave for a baseball player]". Hey fella's, did the sky just fall and somehow I, as a former athlete and still a sports fan missed it? Baseball plays 162 LOOOOOOOOOOONG games, Daniel Murphy missing games 1 & 2 is really irrelevant.
Daniel Murphy knows what his career means, but you know what else, he knows what his family means and for that I say, BRAVO. Why is this MAN's character being decimated because he took what truly is the most INSIGNIFICANT time during the baseball season to be with his wife and newborn, first born, child? Why do we do that? So basically as voices on the radio, the only way to make yourself seem, what more manly, is to attack someone for being a DAD first?
Look, I know what the field means to the pro athlete, I get the responsibilities he has to his team and to the contract he has signed. But do those two game days really mean he is less committed to his team, his responsibilities than you are or were? Do you feel that bragging that you would tell your wife to schedule the cesarean section because it works best for your schedule, makes you more of a man? I ask that you look to yourself, and I mean really look to yourself; Ask yourself, not just the part that consistently agrees with your every word, but the true inner part, ask that part, was ripping this man necessary? To me, it felt like the bully that starts in on a kid and then everyone just jumps on trying to one up the next guy. I remember those kids too, because I was a target, but that's another post....
I applaud Daniel Murphy. When I had my son, while I was happy my mom and dad were there... the one person I ABSOLUTELY WANTED AND NEEDED by my side those first few days, was MY HUSBAND. No, he wasn't breast feeding our son, but he was helping to keep me calm. You see he is my team, my parents are my parents, they love me, support me and were thrilled be with me during that time, but my husband is "MY TEAM". He is what gets me through pretty much any and everything in my world, him and my FAITH of course. He is the other half of that phenomenal creation that leaves me in awe on a daily basis. The bulk of the work post birth of course falls on mom, but the little that he did... WAS HUGE and I am certain Daniel Murphy's wife felt that same way.
Daniel Murphy didn't miss the first game of JUST 16 in the NFL, he didn't miss the deciding game for a playoff spot, he didn't miss a playoff game. BUT even if he did.... is he still less of a man, I think not. We go through this life making decisions that affect more than ourselves in ways we couldn't possibly understand, we need to think about that before we decide to rip into a person for making a decision that benefitted his personal family before his baseball family. Mr. Murphy, congratulations on becoming a father and for standing tall to be a man!
I know what you are going to say.... the AUDACITY OF DANIEL MURPHY! How dare he take fatherhood to actually mean..... FATHERHOOD!
When I first read this story, I must admit, my blood started to boil. I felt like I was reading comments from the 1950's. But no, not my imagination at all. They were hard and true comments made April 2, 2014. Thing is, I thought maybe April 1st, was actually a day late, because surely, these were April Fool's Day cracks, right..... wrong. The words, "get your ass back to the team" c/o Craig Carton, "this is what makes our money" c/o Boomer Esiason, "I frankly don't get it" c/o Mike Francesa and one from a fun fan.... "I've never heard of something so ludicrous [paternity leave for a baseball player]". Hey fella's, did the sky just fall and somehow I, as a former athlete and still a sports fan missed it? Baseball plays 162 LOOOOOOOOOOONG games, Daniel Murphy missing games 1 & 2 is really irrelevant.
Daniel Murphy knows what his career means, but you know what else, he knows what his family means and for that I say, BRAVO. Why is this MAN's character being decimated because he took what truly is the most INSIGNIFICANT time during the baseball season to be with his wife and newborn, first born, child? Why do we do that? So basically as voices on the radio, the only way to make yourself seem, what more manly, is to attack someone for being a DAD first?
Look, I know what the field means to the pro athlete, I get the responsibilities he has to his team and to the contract he has signed. But do those two game days really mean he is less committed to his team, his responsibilities than you are or were? Do you feel that bragging that you would tell your wife to schedule the cesarean section because it works best for your schedule, makes you more of a man? I ask that you look to yourself, and I mean really look to yourself; Ask yourself, not just the part that consistently agrees with your every word, but the true inner part, ask that part, was ripping this man necessary? To me, it felt like the bully that starts in on a kid and then everyone just jumps on trying to one up the next guy. I remember those kids too, because I was a target, but that's another post....
I applaud Daniel Murphy. When I had my son, while I was happy my mom and dad were there... the one person I ABSOLUTELY WANTED AND NEEDED by my side those first few days, was MY HUSBAND. No, he wasn't breast feeding our son, but he was helping to keep me calm. You see he is my team, my parents are my parents, they love me, support me and were thrilled be with me during that time, but my husband is "MY TEAM". He is what gets me through pretty much any and everything in my world, him and my FAITH of course. He is the other half of that phenomenal creation that leaves me in awe on a daily basis. The bulk of the work post birth of course falls on mom, but the little that he did... WAS HUGE and I am certain Daniel Murphy's wife felt that same way.
Daniel Murphy didn't miss the first game of JUST 16 in the NFL, he didn't miss the deciding game for a playoff spot, he didn't miss a playoff game. BUT even if he did.... is he still less of a man, I think not. We go through this life making decisions that affect more than ourselves in ways we couldn't possibly understand, we need to think about that before we decide to rip into a person for making a decision that benefitted his personal family before his baseball family. Mr. Murphy, congratulations on becoming a father and for standing tall to be a man!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Calm down, I want a rational discussion.
So yet another fight regarding birth control and places of work is underway.
The argument is, for-Profit companies right to opt out of coverage of birth control for religious reasons. To me, the answer seems simple, but there are many points of view.
Here is mine:
We tend to swing the "freedom of religion" hammer with a great deal of frequency... and we should. It is one of the wonderful things that makes the United States of America, "The United States of America". But what I find really interesting about the constitutional right, is that it seems to be extremely one-sided, at least for certain groups of people. Freedom of religion means exactly that, the freedom to practice (or not practice) whatever religion you feel speaks to you. Just because you are my boss, does not mean I am supposed to believe what you believe and vice versa so why is it ok to impose your beliefs just because you are "the boss"? Now on the face of this question, the answer seems to be, because "I am the boss". But that is not how the cookie crumbles. Denying someone access to something that is essential in family planning for many men and women in this country is in fact DENYING A FREEDOM.
Let's face it, whether people want to believe it or not, this is all about birth control pills and IUD's (condoms are an over the counter purchase at CVS) so yeah, folks, you're keying in on the ladies! What is it about women's abilities to think for themselves that has people so frustrated. Why is it that when a woman decides she wants to control what's happening with her body, it makes people's blood boil? We constantly are telling our boys, wrap it up, be responsible, but it is a distinctly different message for my fellow sisters. Folks, women AND men are having sex.... you aren't going to stop it.
Right about now, some of you are saying, oh, she is a Godless, ULTRA liberal woman, who needs to be saved. Quite the contrary, my FAITH is very strong, however, I am NOT religious and those are two EXTREMELY DIFFERENT THINGS (but that's a subject for a different post). My stance comes from understanding that what I believe does not have to be imposed on my friends or my family, let alone my co-worker's. I am not their judge, nor are they mine... that's for a HIGHER BEING. A women's ability to control certain aspects of her life are exactly that... HER's. Stop trying to make everyone fit into your perfect box that fits on your perfect shelf, next to your perfect beliefs. Birth control coverage is JUST as important as prescription medication for diabetes, a heart condition or anything to do with our health.
This is not about encouraging promiscuity which is the other religious argument (people were having sex before the pill and will continue to do so), this is about allowing women to make decisions for themselves. After I reached a certain age, one thing I always knew when it came to my mom and dad (both God-Loving individuals), was that they always, ALWAYS supported me in whatever decisions I chose. That doesn't mean they always agreed with my decisions, but their mantra was simple: Give me their honest opinion, lay out whatever facts they had and allow me to make my own choice. Whatever happened would happen, but they would at least know I was armed with knowledge to make my OWN decisions and in turn deal with whatever the outcome would be. If my mom and dad didn't make decisions for me, you, as my boss or the company I work for, certainly shouldn't be either.
The argument is, for-Profit companies right to opt out of coverage of birth control for religious reasons. To me, the answer seems simple, but there are many points of view.
Here is mine:
We tend to swing the "freedom of religion" hammer with a great deal of frequency... and we should. It is one of the wonderful things that makes the United States of America, "The United States of America". But what I find really interesting about the constitutional right, is that it seems to be extremely one-sided, at least for certain groups of people. Freedom of religion means exactly that, the freedom to practice (or not practice) whatever religion you feel speaks to you. Just because you are my boss, does not mean I am supposed to believe what you believe and vice versa so why is it ok to impose your beliefs just because you are "the boss"? Now on the face of this question, the answer seems to be, because "I am the boss". But that is not how the cookie crumbles. Denying someone access to something that is essential in family planning for many men and women in this country is in fact DENYING A FREEDOM.
Let's face it, whether people want to believe it or not, this is all about birth control pills and IUD's (condoms are an over the counter purchase at CVS) so yeah, folks, you're keying in on the ladies! What is it about women's abilities to think for themselves that has people so frustrated. Why is it that when a woman decides she wants to control what's happening with her body, it makes people's blood boil? We constantly are telling our boys, wrap it up, be responsible, but it is a distinctly different message for my fellow sisters. Folks, women AND men are having sex.... you aren't going to stop it.
Right about now, some of you are saying, oh, she is a Godless, ULTRA liberal woman, who needs to be saved. Quite the contrary, my FAITH is very strong, however, I am NOT religious and those are two EXTREMELY DIFFERENT THINGS (but that's a subject for a different post). My stance comes from understanding that what I believe does not have to be imposed on my friends or my family, let alone my co-worker's. I am not their judge, nor are they mine... that's for a HIGHER BEING. A women's ability to control certain aspects of her life are exactly that... HER's. Stop trying to make everyone fit into your perfect box that fits on your perfect shelf, next to your perfect beliefs. Birth control coverage is JUST as important as prescription medication for diabetes, a heart condition or anything to do with our health.
This is not about encouraging promiscuity which is the other religious argument (people were having sex before the pill and will continue to do so), this is about allowing women to make decisions for themselves. After I reached a certain age, one thing I always knew when it came to my mom and dad (both God-Loving individuals), was that they always, ALWAYS supported me in whatever decisions I chose. That doesn't mean they always agreed with my decisions, but their mantra was simple: Give me their honest opinion, lay out whatever facts they had and allow me to make my own choice. Whatever happened would happen, but they would at least know I was armed with knowledge to make my OWN decisions and in turn deal with whatever the outcome would be. If my mom and dad didn't make decisions for me, you, as my boss or the company I work for, certainly shouldn't be either.
Friday, March 21, 2014
We share in the problem.
So I am watching the news last evening and see a story about alleged Long Island teens drinking heavily then taking explicit photos and posting them on twitter. The newscast of course showed the pictures while blurring out the faces in them. I gather the blurring was for the protection of those involved. Here's my question.... why show the photos at all?
Listen, I am a member of the media, but I honestly believe we have as much to do with some of the outrageous antics of today's youth and attention seekers as anyone else. Everyone knows, all you have to do get on TV and quite possibly go national is get downright crazy! Sure enough, the same story and pictures were on a national morning show as I woke up this fine Friday morning. Now I don't want to perpetuate these young folks antics any further so I won't be posting links to the story, you'll have to do your own simple search I simply want to know when will the media take responsibility for some of the craziness that is happening.
In an effort to maintain viewership, we seem to throw responsibility out the window under the guise of "freedom of the press". Instead of saying... we can do this story without showing these awful photographs. We can do this story and open a dialogue for parents, teachers, teens and the like. We can do this story without guaranteeing to individuals that if they do the same thing or something even more outrageous it will get on the air.
I AM NOT absolving parents and guardians of their duties. Those individuals have a job to talk to AND LISTEN to their youths. They have the task of trying to keep their kids and their neighbors kids safe. I AM NOT saying it's the media's fault that teenagers will be teenagers (contrary to what you believe, young people, you are not invincible). What I AM saying is that glorifying their non-thinking behavior IS IRRESPONSIBLE in its own right and needs to be addressed. Does anyone in the news meeting say, hey, why don't we NOT show the kid getting beat down by a group, why don't we NOT show images of the knockout game where innocent victims are getting popped walking down the street? Why don't we NOT show the photos of drunken youth in precarious situations? You can address these crimes, these acts of cowardice, these clear problems, without giving them the 15 seconds turned into 15 minutes of fame they are seeking in the first place.
Listen, I am a member of the media, but I honestly believe we have as much to do with some of the outrageous antics of today's youth and attention seekers as anyone else. Everyone knows, all you have to do get on TV and quite possibly go national is get downright crazy! Sure enough, the same story and pictures were on a national morning show as I woke up this fine Friday morning. Now I don't want to perpetuate these young folks antics any further so I won't be posting links to the story, you'll have to do your own simple search I simply want to know when will the media take responsibility for some of the craziness that is happening.
In an effort to maintain viewership, we seem to throw responsibility out the window under the guise of "freedom of the press". Instead of saying... we can do this story without showing these awful photographs. We can do this story and open a dialogue for parents, teachers, teens and the like. We can do this story without guaranteeing to individuals that if they do the same thing or something even more outrageous it will get on the air.
I AM NOT absolving parents and guardians of their duties. Those individuals have a job to talk to AND LISTEN to their youths. They have the task of trying to keep their kids and their neighbors kids safe. I AM NOT saying it's the media's fault that teenagers will be teenagers (contrary to what you believe, young people, you are not invincible). What I AM saying is that glorifying their non-thinking behavior IS IRRESPONSIBLE in its own right and needs to be addressed. Does anyone in the news meeting say, hey, why don't we NOT show the kid getting beat down by a group, why don't we NOT show images of the knockout game where innocent victims are getting popped walking down the street? Why don't we NOT show the photos of drunken youth in precarious situations? You can address these crimes, these acts of cowardice, these clear problems, without giving them the 15 seconds turned into 15 minutes of fame they are seeking in the first place.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Broken
I have been trying to find the right words to express my deep sadness and concern with what occurred Saturday, July 13th, 2013. On this night, six jurors decided that it was OK for a man named George Zimmerman to shoot and kill a 17 year old teenager named Trayvon Martin.
I like EVERYONE who's followed the case, don't really know what happened that fateful night in 2012. The prosecution of the case doesn't really know, the defense doesn't really know, the jurors, the judge, the families of both Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman don't really know. Two people know what truly happened that night, one died the other was just set free after the senseless tragedy. I write this post because clearly there is a great deal of opinion on both sides of this issue. Many say, justice was served, Zimmerman was proven innocent, lets move on. To those individuals, I say, you are entitled to your thought process, but I wonder how much thought you truly put in it.
To those individuals I say, imagine if you can, your teenage son, walking home from the convenience store and somehow, doesn't make it back. Imagine if you will, your teenage son didn't get shot at the convenience store, he didn't get caught up in a robbery gone wrong, he didn't get shot outside your townhouse community, he didn't get shot somewhere he wasn't even supposed to be. Imagine if you will, your teenage son, got shot within your "safe" community because in essence, he was a young man, who simply "LOOKED" like he didn't belong. I repeat, he "looked" like he didn't belong.
Now, I am not naive. I too have been somewhere, noticed an individual and said to myself, hmm.... should I be concerned? That is human nature, especially at night. So I am not going to blame Mr. Zimmerman for trying to be a concerned citizen... if that is what he truly felt he was being. I won't blame him for wondering, should this individual be in my community, especially since the community has had an issue or two in the past. However, I do hold Mr. Zimmerman accountable for the actions he took in the name of being a so-called concerned citizen. You see, I don't have an issue with him calling 911, that is what a concerned citizen does. But what a concerned citizen DOES NOT do, is then dismiss the advice of 911 and decide, I will take matters into my own hands. What a concerned citizen does not do is follow a so-called perpetrator to what, engage him? What a concerned citizen DOES NOT do is decide, I am a hero like in the movies.... because when the UNTRAINED, concerned citizen takes matters into his own hands,... unlike the movie the Dark Knight, or Die Hard... .there is no director calling, scene cut. When the bullet leaves the chamber, it's not a blank, and the recipient of blank shot does not get up and go back to his acting trailer.
When the concerned citizen takes matters into his own hands he shoots a 17 year old in the heart and kills him. He kills a 17 year old who was actually, headed home, and heaven forbid, while heading home, he took his time because he was talking with friend on the phone. Heaven forbid, a 17 year old, actually acted like a 17 year old. People are saying the jurors did as they were instructed and we should leave it at that. I would be fine with that except for one big thing.... even the jurors admitted, George Zimmerman went to far... I repeat, the jurors felt Zimmerman went to far (juror B37) which leads me to ask, then how is it that George Zimmerman was still found innocent? How exactly does that work? You had the option of manslaughter if you didn't feel Zimmerman had every intention TO kill. Maybe it's true, maybe things just got out of hand, the two fought and he fired his weapon, that still doesn't mean you are innocent. A person is dead because of your actions and there needs to be a legal price paid for the life you took.
As a black woman, this touches home for me. I have an older brother who I know for a fact has gotten that look from people. I have an older brother who people wondered what's he up to, when all he was doing was walking to the car, leaving the grocery store taking a walk around his neighborhood while talking on the phone simply because, it was a nice night and he wanted to take a walk. I would also love to think, that the stereotypes are as simple as black and white, but they aren't.
Allow me to digress from the topic to share this story. When my brother was a senior in high school he and his friends somehow got my parents to host their Prom Night dinner. My dad was an excellent cook and wanted to do something special for his only son. So the plans were made, a menu was set, decorations purchased. I was the hostess for the evening. When the young celebratory teens arrived at our house for the dinner, as I was closing the door, the limo driver for the evening, who was black, came in. He made a whole lot of assumptions on this particular night. You see, we lived in what is a nice part of town; good schools, nice neighborhood, good place to grow up. Nothing extravagant by any means, but nonetheless, he didn't believe, black people lived in this part of town. So when he saw me answer the door, he ASSUMED, I worked there. The assumptions continued, as he made his way into the kitchen, he saw my mom and dad working hard trying to get the dinner plates together. Again, he assumed, they were the hired help. He even at one point pressed my mom for a cup of coffee when she had some time. His assumptions continued to the point where I guess he picked one of the guys in the group and decided this house, must have been his house, and said to him something like, it's really nice of your parents to host this party for you kids (that young man's parents had come by to take pictures and help out). Needless to say the limo driver was stunned when the kid told him, I don't live here, he does, pointing to my brother. The limo driver found himself apologizing a couple of different ways because at one point he had the audacity to cop a bit of an attitude with my mom, for not moving fast enough to get him his cup of coffee (my mom was raised in the south and knows all about hospitality... the driver did get his cup of coffee with a smile as well).
My point to this story is, when you make assumptions, like the saying goes, you make an ASS out of U and ME, tragically, for Trayvon Martin, an assumption by George Zimmerman, left that 17 year old dead. I don't know Trayvon Martin, I don't know George Zimmerman, but I do know that intentionally or NOT, George Zimmerman did in fact kill Trayvon Martin, he shot him dead, and Trayvon Martin was not stealing, was not breaking and entering, was not performing a criminal act. Trayvon Martin seemingly fought for himself, stood his ground and somehow in standing his ground, he was in the wrong, while the man with a gun was in the right. It's not right.
Our legal system was put to the test and unfortunately, the legal system failed. I appreciate that the system was allowed to work, but the system is broken and I would love to have a conversation on how to fix it. My son is two years old, just two years old and my heart is so full of love for him, it nearly brings me tears every night when I kiss him goodnight. For me to advance that love 15 years forward, I know it will only grow... I would be devastated if I lost my son, as I am certain Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin are devastated with the loss of their son. What would only hurt more, is if there were no justice served in the loss of my son as has been the case here. I applaud these two people, because in what must seem like the darkest of days, they have remained above the fray. They have not lashed out, they have not spewed hatred, they have leaned on their faith and love of their child. They have shown their heart.
Now, I recognize that George Zimmerman's life will never be the same again, he will likely deal with quite a bit of ugly moving forward but the one thing I truly hope he does, I truly hope he really looks within himself and truly asks himself, does he really feel his actions were righteous? Does he truly believe he is an innocent man in the first hand death of this teen? Only Mr. Zimmerman can speak to his own heart, he must face himself daily and I don't know how easy that will be for him. I will pray for him as well, not because I am a great christian, but because I know it is the christian thing to do. I am angry with Mr. Zimmerman, and I am angry with the system, but my anger won't help ANYTHING. I must look within myself and pray for this man, his family along with Trayvon's family. I must pray that after all of this, we might just be one step closer to ending these senseless, unnecessary and hurtful tragedies.
Dear God, please be with us all tonight, tomorrow and everyday after. Please help us find our way to being better in every way.
I like EVERYONE who's followed the case, don't really know what happened that fateful night in 2012. The prosecution of the case doesn't really know, the defense doesn't really know, the jurors, the judge, the families of both Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman don't really know. Two people know what truly happened that night, one died the other was just set free after the senseless tragedy. I write this post because clearly there is a great deal of opinion on both sides of this issue. Many say, justice was served, Zimmerman was proven innocent, lets move on. To those individuals, I say, you are entitled to your thought process, but I wonder how much thought you truly put in it.
To those individuals I say, imagine if you can, your teenage son, walking home from the convenience store and somehow, doesn't make it back. Imagine if you will, your teenage son didn't get shot at the convenience store, he didn't get caught up in a robbery gone wrong, he didn't get shot outside your townhouse community, he didn't get shot somewhere he wasn't even supposed to be. Imagine if you will, your teenage son, got shot within your "safe" community because in essence, he was a young man, who simply "LOOKED" like he didn't belong. I repeat, he "looked" like he didn't belong.
Now, I am not naive. I too have been somewhere, noticed an individual and said to myself, hmm.... should I be concerned? That is human nature, especially at night. So I am not going to blame Mr. Zimmerman for trying to be a concerned citizen... if that is what he truly felt he was being. I won't blame him for wondering, should this individual be in my community, especially since the community has had an issue or two in the past. However, I do hold Mr. Zimmerman accountable for the actions he took in the name of being a so-called concerned citizen. You see, I don't have an issue with him calling 911, that is what a concerned citizen does. But what a concerned citizen DOES NOT do, is then dismiss the advice of 911 and decide, I will take matters into my own hands. What a concerned citizen does not do is follow a so-called perpetrator to what, engage him? What a concerned citizen DOES NOT do is decide, I am a hero like in the movies.... because when the UNTRAINED, concerned citizen takes matters into his own hands,... unlike the movie the Dark Knight, or Die Hard... .there is no director calling, scene cut. When the bullet leaves the chamber, it's not a blank, and the recipient of blank shot does not get up and go back to his acting trailer.
When the concerned citizen takes matters into his own hands he shoots a 17 year old in the heart and kills him. He kills a 17 year old who was actually, headed home, and heaven forbid, while heading home, he took his time because he was talking with friend on the phone. Heaven forbid, a 17 year old, actually acted like a 17 year old. People are saying the jurors did as they were instructed and we should leave it at that. I would be fine with that except for one big thing.... even the jurors admitted, George Zimmerman went to far... I repeat, the jurors felt Zimmerman went to far (juror B37) which leads me to ask, then how is it that George Zimmerman was still found innocent? How exactly does that work? You had the option of manslaughter if you didn't feel Zimmerman had every intention TO kill. Maybe it's true, maybe things just got out of hand, the two fought and he fired his weapon, that still doesn't mean you are innocent. A person is dead because of your actions and there needs to be a legal price paid for the life you took.
As a black woman, this touches home for me. I have an older brother who I know for a fact has gotten that look from people. I have an older brother who people wondered what's he up to, when all he was doing was walking to the car, leaving the grocery store taking a walk around his neighborhood while talking on the phone simply because, it was a nice night and he wanted to take a walk. I would also love to think, that the stereotypes are as simple as black and white, but they aren't.
Allow me to digress from the topic to share this story. When my brother was a senior in high school he and his friends somehow got my parents to host their Prom Night dinner. My dad was an excellent cook and wanted to do something special for his only son. So the plans were made, a menu was set, decorations purchased. I was the hostess for the evening. When the young celebratory teens arrived at our house for the dinner, as I was closing the door, the limo driver for the evening, who was black, came in. He made a whole lot of assumptions on this particular night. You see, we lived in what is a nice part of town; good schools, nice neighborhood, good place to grow up. Nothing extravagant by any means, but nonetheless, he didn't believe, black people lived in this part of town. So when he saw me answer the door, he ASSUMED, I worked there. The assumptions continued, as he made his way into the kitchen, he saw my mom and dad working hard trying to get the dinner plates together. Again, he assumed, they were the hired help. He even at one point pressed my mom for a cup of coffee when she had some time. His assumptions continued to the point where I guess he picked one of the guys in the group and decided this house, must have been his house, and said to him something like, it's really nice of your parents to host this party for you kids (that young man's parents had come by to take pictures and help out). Needless to say the limo driver was stunned when the kid told him, I don't live here, he does, pointing to my brother. The limo driver found himself apologizing a couple of different ways because at one point he had the audacity to cop a bit of an attitude with my mom, for not moving fast enough to get him his cup of coffee (my mom was raised in the south and knows all about hospitality... the driver did get his cup of coffee with a smile as well).
My point to this story is, when you make assumptions, like the saying goes, you make an ASS out of U and ME, tragically, for Trayvon Martin, an assumption by George Zimmerman, left that 17 year old dead. I don't know Trayvon Martin, I don't know George Zimmerman, but I do know that intentionally or NOT, George Zimmerman did in fact kill Trayvon Martin, he shot him dead, and Trayvon Martin was not stealing, was not breaking and entering, was not performing a criminal act. Trayvon Martin seemingly fought for himself, stood his ground and somehow in standing his ground, he was in the wrong, while the man with a gun was in the right. It's not right.
Our legal system was put to the test and unfortunately, the legal system failed. I appreciate that the system was allowed to work, but the system is broken and I would love to have a conversation on how to fix it. My son is two years old, just two years old and my heart is so full of love for him, it nearly brings me tears every night when I kiss him goodnight. For me to advance that love 15 years forward, I know it will only grow... I would be devastated if I lost my son, as I am certain Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin are devastated with the loss of their son. What would only hurt more, is if there were no justice served in the loss of my son as has been the case here. I applaud these two people, because in what must seem like the darkest of days, they have remained above the fray. They have not lashed out, they have not spewed hatred, they have leaned on their faith and love of their child. They have shown their heart.
Now, I recognize that George Zimmerman's life will never be the same again, he will likely deal with quite a bit of ugly moving forward but the one thing I truly hope he does, I truly hope he really looks within himself and truly asks himself, does he really feel his actions were righteous? Does he truly believe he is an innocent man in the first hand death of this teen? Only Mr. Zimmerman can speak to his own heart, he must face himself daily and I don't know how easy that will be for him. I will pray for him as well, not because I am a great christian, but because I know it is the christian thing to do. I am angry with Mr. Zimmerman, and I am angry with the system, but my anger won't help ANYTHING. I must look within myself and pray for this man, his family along with Trayvon's family. I must pray that after all of this, we might just be one step closer to ending these senseless, unnecessary and hurtful tragedies.
Dear God, please be with us all tonight, tomorrow and everyday after. Please help us find our way to being better in every way.
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